| PikturE$ |
[29 May 2004|03:32pm] |
Hey! So it's about that time. My every-once-in-awhile update!
This time we're going picture style.
So this is part of what i've been up to since the last time i updated!
Warning: This entry contains tons of photos!
( Lets do this! )
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[16 Jan 2004|06:54pm] |
The microwave is the best monitor of my time. That is of course where i do most of my cooking. Lets say that i set the microwave for 5 minutes. Well, i'm a pretty impatient girl and usually walk to my room, go to the bathroom or play with the puppy and before i know it, i hear the timer signaling that 5 minutes has past. It's kind of a slap in the face each time. Realizing that was 5 minutes of my life. Five minutes i'll never get back. Did i spend it as i should have?
Every time i think i'm going to update, i just realize its been too long, no one cares, the world is round....yeah, i dont know.
So here goes my, "2003 and me" post...
2003 both started and ended very poorly for me, but somewhere in between i managed to have the time of my life.
My personal 2003 Theme: Goodbye.
I've never been one for goodbyes, and unfortunately this year seemed to be outlined with them. Graduation, war, break-ups, death, college, distance and time all seemed to be lurking around the corner ready to displace someone else from my life. I've had to watch, some of the people i cared most about walk out of my life, and those images will continue to haunt me well into 2004.
Your whole senior year you're littered with comments and advice to cherish each day and everyone you're sharing it with. I don't think you can fully understand that advice until all you have left to cherish are memories and the ghost of who you used to be.
Many of my friends moved on to universities this fall, we all left with years of fantasized glossy memories of each other but I believe that in many ways i said goodbye to my friends in august, forever. I still see them every couple of weeks but it will never be the same. We're all slowly growing apart. The phone calls are less frequent, visits are far between and worst of all, We're all okay with it. My worst fears are slowly becoming a reality. I guess we're growing up.
So I guess I've turned into one of those old people preaching about cherishing your time, but it's true. You never know when something will happen to change everything. Before you know it you'll wake up one morning and realize you've lost everything...just like i have.
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[13 Oct 2003|10:02am] |
My Thought's on this weekend and it's 'drama'...
Quite the weekend if i do say so myself. More than any other time, i believe that people are in my life for a reason. I left high school with such a sour view of the majority of the people i called 'friends'. I've now been proved both very correct, and very wrong. I've found so much support, in the most unlikely of places, and i've been given the opportunity to strengthen some of the friendship foundations that didn't weather my senior year or summer. I get asked a lot how i'm holding up. And the complete truth is, I'm fine. I'm even better that fine, i've never felt so alive. For the first time in so long i can worry about myself, and making myself happy instead of constantly worrying about my worth, making him happy and struggling with the constantly unsatisfied question, "am i good enough". Of course it's sad to look bad at summer, which i still consider well spent, but nothing lasts forever. The memories i am so fond of, is slowly being clouded by the image of recent events. My friends are actually taking this weekends situation, much worse than i am, and in a lot of ways i think that reflects poorly on me. I think i made it clear to [her] how i felt about the situation. But i am in no way encouraging the comments or actions of others. Despite opinion, i have no deisire to seek any sort of revenge, or change any opinions due to my experience. I really had hoped she would have had more respect for me and our friendship, and to find out that was not the case, was the worst part. The other half of the situation is no longer my business. We are broken up, he can do whatever or whoever he wants. It's really okay with me. Whatever he chooses to do, my only hope is that he's happy. I had a lot of fun this weekend, and im excited to see where life will take me next.
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[29 Sep 2003|12:18am] |
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Happiness is just so fleeting. I understand why time flies when youre having fun. You want to be happy forever, but as im learning more about life, i find that nothing is forever. There's no stable rock to hold on to. Nothing. Unhappiness and desolation drag out the days, until you dont remember them or no longer want to remember them. And then when i am happy, i let my guard down. i figure maybe this time, this time everything will be different...but its never different. The times, the people, everything disappoints my expectations in the end. It makes the hard times, a painful reality and the happy times so bittersweet, it makes me want to forget even them too. I've finally realized that its never going to end. We will continute to chase phantoms of happiness for as long as we live. Our lives never really add up to who we are, what we feel or what we want. Somwhere there has to be a depot of the dreams and hopes of humanity that were never realized because all we're left with is this mediocrity of life.
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[05 Aug 2003|08:03pm] |
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I want to say something really interesting.
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| http://pisces.bubble.com/webstars/friend/friendForm.cfm |
[17 Jul 2003|10:33pm] |
Ashley Holtz
A very special Scorpio
Ashley Holtz is mysterious and enigmatic; deep, perceptive, powerful, passionate and terribly, terribly sexy! The sentence above must be true because Ashley is a Scorpio and Scorpios as we all know are infamous for their interest in... well now, here's a funny thing. Despite what they say, Scorpios are not actually quite as wild and wicked as they are painted. Ashley has, it must be said, a very hypnotic appeal but what's truly mesmerising about Ashley is not her pout but her perspicacity. Ashley has an uncanny, almost spooky to see right through you. She can make you feel naked and exposed just by casting one meaningful glance in your direction. What she is looking at though, when she peers below the surface, is not your underwear but your underlying intention! "Where are you coming from? What are you up to? Can you be trusted? Are you going to tell the truth?" These are the questions that Ashley subconsciously fires out as soon as she sees you. Her inner radar never fails to provide her with the right answer. She is sensitive beyond measure, and it is partly to protect her own sensitivity that she scrutinises people so thoroughly.
There is another reason why Ashley Holtz is so keen to see into your soul: she needs to know how sensitive you are. She knows from long, bitter experience that not many people can take the kind of candour that she cannot help but dispense. Ashley is not a person to mince her words, hold back her opinions or shy away from taboo topics. She doesn't want to cause offence, nor does she want to waste her time, so she picks her confidantes carefully. All of which brings us back to where we began. If you are sensitive enough to appreciate Ashley's special qualities you will consider that there is something exceptionally sexy about her and she will feel the same way about you. So perhaps Ashley Holtz is living proof that it is true what they say about Scorpios after all.
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[09 Jul 2003|01:08am] |
I dont have a clever way to begin this update.
The last week or so ive tried desperately to avoid the summer celebration. Unfortunately, i was unsuccessfull. I can't say it was all bad. My favorite night i'd have to say was fourth of july. I'm not a michelle branch fan, although i did enjoy that concert. I felt really outta place in the VIP section, but was really excited when i got to hang out with andrewjose and michael anderson for awhile. Really nice to see those guys. I had fun watching fire works, as this is only the second summer celebration ive EVER been in town for. AND i got to meet michelle branch. I am so cool.
I also attended Our Lady Peace, and Boston. I blame my mood, but i didnt really have all that much fun at OLP. We didnt get there untill the last song from seether, but we made our way to the front before OLP hit the stage. The best part was hearing everyone around us saying they'd been waiting for like 5 hours to get those spots and we had couquered the croud within 20 min. I hate muskegon concert goers.
Last night i had a really nice dinner with the girls. Nina cooked us all dinner, and then we sat and talked. It felt like somthing my mom would do, but It was just what i needed. I really wish i could have made it to the moive tonight. :(
I feel so...out of the ordinary. I've lost a lot of contact with some people i really care about. I dont know what im doing anymore. I dont know who to call anymore. Things just dont feel right. I'm really longing for meaningful conversation lasting untill late in the evening.
I really want to go on a road trip. I want to drive into the sunset knowing i have no worries, no place to be and surrounded by my friends. I want to laugh, talk...and just go.It's time to see the world.
*sigh*
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[27 Jun 2003|02:01pm] |
Summer Time...and the livin's easy...kinda
Not too much new. Had my open house last weekend. It was pretty nice. Everyone who i hoped would attend, did...for the most part anyways. Nathan and shawn made it to the actual graduation, and well...ryan has a pretty good excuse. I dont much appreciate them all being on differnt continents while im trying to have an open house, but I Know they all would have been there if they could have been. The whole open house was kinda awkward. I didnt know my place, or where i belonged. It felt like i should be everywhere and no where at the same time...and i didnt much care for it. Thanks to everyone that came, and speaking of open houses...some of my favorite people are having theirs this weekend. Gives me somthing to look forward too...
In other news...ive been keeping pretty busy. Summer is going by ridiculously fast. I dont much appreciate that. I feel so old being out of high school. I dont miss it, i want to move on...but im not sure i want to grow up. I told mike the other night that i thought i was going through some sort of mid-mid life crises. Speaking of mike...we've been spending a lot of time together. I really like being around him. For once in my life i dont feel like a second choice, or a back up plan. I've finally found some sort of stability, somthing ive been searching for for awhile. I go to bed knowing he cares about me, and wake up knowing things havent changed. Although i still have insecurities about having to look and act perfect, its just somthing i have to get over...i cant fix that over night. Who knows maybe i wont be a heartless bitch forever. I dont deserve to be this happy.
It's a beautiful day, im going to the beach.
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[13 Jun 2003|12:29am] |
Good evenging LJ, you whore.
Live Journal really had not been entertaining me lately. Notify me when/if my actual "friends" come back.
Today was a good day. I'm such a golfer.
Golfing fee: price of 2 packs of thank you cards.
New Golf clubs: probably a lot
Lucky golf tee's: couple bucks
My golfing vibe pelvic thrust directed towards picking up old men: priceless
Basicly my first golfing experience today. Man, am i good....Okay okay, so i suck. All sorts of kudos go out to craig for being patient and willing to show me the finer points of the sport. We had a fun time.
Today was the first day in a good week and a half that i havent seen mike. It feels wierd. I think its withdrawls.
Tomorrow starts the next round in open houses. Im not sure if i like or hate going to these. Andrewjose, be ready! Your so getting called...even though you didnt support my fire jumping. That reminds me....
When signed on instant messager (this can apply to the telephone too) i never talk to anyone first. I ALWAYS wait for people to talk to me. Im not sure why that is.
I like summer, for the most part i choose who i get to see. And so far, so good.
That is all.
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[24 May 2003|03:28pm] |
For awhile i was trying to decide if i should leave this afternoon or wait untill the morning. THen i came to my senses. I have nothing here. No reason not to pack my shit and get the fuck outta here this very second.
I need this. I want to get away. I need to escape, but I know im afraid of what im going to find...or not find. I want to make the long drive with the windows down, stop and get some coffee and listen to classic rock the whole way there. I want to find what im looking for.
I hope the leaves are out up north.
I wish someone would have called me today.
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[19 May 2003|10:41pm] |
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I don't know what it is, i just really feel like getting my feelings typed down tonight. Here goes nothing...
Over view on the weekend:
Friday: Good times are always had with the four of us...A lil fireworks, campefires and tree stands. Somthing was differnt about this night, somthing not quite right.
Saturday: Ugh. Most terrible day ever. Car accident, ruined cell phone, stupid fights, and no dirtbikeing. The evenging ended nice, i saw matrix 2, and altho i didnt particularly like the moive, i had a nice time. I enjoy talking with Ken.
Sunday: I didnt think much of the day, still recovering from saturday's bidness. I got a phone call from Linda (which was a little weird because It's not often that Linda calls me) About senior camping. At first i really didnt think i'd be going...whew, i almost made a huge mistake. Janell got me excited about it, and once i convinced andrewjose to go, i knew the night day was headed towards fun. I love camping. I had a blast last night. I love these activities ive been involved in lately, it's like were all putting everything behind us, and just having fun. And i DID have fun with everyone. Special shout outs go out to my fellow party tenters: Dan Nolan, Levi, Andrewjose, Liz, Ash and Niki. We stayed up all night being goofy, having pillow fights and just having an awesome time. *sigh* Thats one for the scrap book. (if i had one) I'll never forget the image of Andrewjose and Nolan running after raccoons in their pajamas (dan armed with an ax and andrewjose with a sharpend stick) no matter how hard i try. I felt like i was 11 again.
This weekend was rough, im so glad i could end it like that.
Two specific sappy conversations were had tonight.
#1: Mike.
#2: Janell. *Sigh* We're both starting to realize that things are going to be differnt. Janell and I have realy been the Laverine and Shirly of high school. We've been through everything together. Hard times, good times. Boyfriends, Ditches and everything in between....I'm not ready to get worked up about this yet.
Why is it that when you need people the most, they're the farthest away? I always make analogies. Why stop now?....It's like i was walking down the road of life, and this weekend i sliped. I fell in a big mud puddle, and tried really hard to get out...but i couldnt do it alone. I had no way of asking for help, so i had to wait. Everyone i cared about, all my friends just drove right by me, splashing more mud on me, makeing the puddle deeper......I dont know what im talking about anymore.
I feel like im living in a Salinger world lately.
I'm refusing to admit i only have 3.5 days of school left. It all feels so surreal, i know im just chooseing not to think about it. Everyonce in awhile it sneaks up on me...but i've become pretty good at hideing.
I wish i had a remote for my life. I could really use a pause button. I need time to take it all in. This is it.
End.
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[15 May 2003|10:11pm] |
Wishing it was clear out in hopes to see the eclipse tonight. Bummer.
I'm a sucker for people who use my name when they are talking to me. I dont know what it is about it, but it makes me melty inside. Even with simple things. Goodnight vs. Goodnight Ashley. or Hey vs. Hey Ashley. And then theres the use of Ash. It drives me crazy when people i dont know very well call me Ash, but love it when my friends and family do. Weird.
I'm thinking about makeing jello. I know the secret to 10 min jello.
Prom Prom Yeah. What a great and memorable night. The day started rough, and i even decided at one point not to go at all. I hate having expectations, they only lead to disapointment. I felt like i was supposed to look good, and felt far from it.There are things i regret about it, but overall...Tons of fun. I dont like the way all that sounded. I had a really good time, Mike was fun, My friends were fun, dinner and liz's was fun, Next morning was fun... Prom = Fun. I wish i could do it all over again.
Tuesday Night= Another fun night. Ever since i was a freshman i've joked about sleeping at the school, didnt know it'd actually happen. We all slept out on the track pit/mat thingy. It was entertaining, good memories with the girls. Nothing like waking up covered in frost to get your morning kickin.
I love having a reason to get up in the morning. I love having a reason to be happy.
Yup, defiantly Jello time.
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[03 May 2003|02:58pm] |
WARNING:
Do to length of this entry i refuse to correct spelling errors i may make on the way...
You may now read on...sucker!
I dont like that im not a cool LJ'er because i dont update everyday. I believe this is MY journal, to be used how ever, and whenever i want. Just becuase i dont feel the need to record every passing moment of my day, does not make me any less worthy.
On a differnt note, the inspiration for this update came from a silly situation that arose yesterday at the moives. I had been feeling sick all day so mike agreed to take me to the lizzy miguire moive last night(I do love the disney channel!). Well after the moive mike had to use the bathroom so i waited in the lobby area. I noticed the middle age, larger black woman and her daughter that had been sitting in front of us. She approched me and complimented me on my lunch box and made some small talk about it. She told me i should keep sandwiches in it next time i come to the moives so i wouldnt have to pay for the outragously overpriced food. (Ironicly i counted about 6 times durring the moive that she got up to get snacks). Thinking that the converstaion was over i wandered around a little bit when i noticed her again. She asked me what grade i was in and where i went to school. Apperntly her daughter is also a senior, but at mona shores. She explained that her whole family had gone to mona shores. I told her that my mom also graduated from mona shores and she was very interested to know what year. I didnt really know and stummbled a little bit when she asked me how old my mom was, i told her early fourties. She begain to explian that she had a brother about that age who graduated in 76 so that MUST have been the year my mom graduated too. I begain to nod when she replied..."well he was murdered last year". Not knowing really what to say to this compleate stranger i searched for words when she imediantly begain to list off at least 12 other years her various other siblings had graduated. The she told me about her brother who moved to California after his graduation. Having just been there i said, "yeah, its nice out there"...She said, "Sure is. (pause)..but he got shot". I nodded politely and told her i was sorry. She said she was too because she had lost 2 siblings in one year, but before she could finish that she asked me if i was a model. By this time mike had made it out of the bathroom and was walking up. I laughed a little and explained i was not a model. She said "No way! Are you lying to a sista?!" I took a couple minuties to convince her i wasnt, when mike begain to motion us to the door. She told him he was a very lucky boy and we begain to leave. The walk to the door was sprinkled with random comments from this woman being shout across the lobby. I couldnt help but giggle, she made my night. Compleatly comfortbale, she acted like she could tell me anything and we were best friends. I'd like to do lunch with her sometime.
This week was awesome. I had to attened very little school becuase of our childrens theatre shows. I'm really sad that its over. I had so much fun this week, i didnt want that to end. By far this was my favoirte childrens theatre show. I looked forward to doing super hypo boy with mike each day. Words seem to cheapen the experience. It was incrediable. That is all.
Who knows what today will hold.
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[27 Apr 2003|10:34pm] |
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Cher... :P |
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First and foremost...Check out the mood! No, your eyes do not deceive you. I'm feelin chipper baby! It's nice to be back on the train.
This week was...testing. (I don't know if that makes sense)Everything hit me really hard. Luckily, I had some awesome talking bidness monday night. It really helped me deal. (thank you)THe whole accident thing has really been on my mind. This year especially ive tried to tell myself that those people, that life...isnt who i am anymore. I'm wrong. I really got...homesick? for the way things used to be and the Friends i spent so much time with. We had a lot of good times. I would'nt trade it for the world. *sigh*...I really want to finish my thoughts on this...but i dont want to be sad tonight.
On a lighter note, I had a great weekend. Friday, i went to the hospital (okay, this isnt really the great part) and on the way we saw an accident. It was terribly ironic. Went some other random places with my good pal andrewjose. Random. THe perfect word to explain this weekend. The rest of the weekend was spent largely with Janell and the boys. I had alot of fun with that girl this weekend. Just like old times.We've been through so much. I can't believe she still puts up with me. I couldn't ask for a better friend. We have a silly story about shaving our legs. Ask us, we just might tell.
Prom date: Check!
Not that i didnt really know who i wanted to go with the whole time. It was just a matter of comming to my senses. Lots of quallity time spent with mike this weekend. I'm happy. Enough said.
This is going to be a great week! (Except for those of you who won't be graced with my presence) Children's Theatre shows...half days. Man! Life is good.
Okay, so CT isnt really going that good. I'm the least satisfied with this show. Which is sad because its the last one. I guess its my fault. I should have had my shit together a long time ago. Julie has been surprisingly friendly with me and full of nice things to say. Compliments are best from people you never expect them from.
I wish i could say everything. I wish i knew what everything i wanted to say was.
This is Ashley, Signing out... Goodnight Seattle.
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[14 Apr 2003|07:07pm] |
Hey! I know you all have been anxiously awaiting my update..so here it is...commin at ya!
I left for mexico in a really weird time, like in the middle of everything. I felt like i was in a moive or somthing, anyways..I get real stressed out the night before i leave, mostly because im a huge procrastinator and leave packing and such to the VERY last min., but sometimes even though i have tons to do, i just need to walk away for awhile. Thats where mike came in. A night well spent at the beach in the rain with a little keely and keith mixed in for good mesure. Speeking of keely, her and i were the queens of april fools. We were playing tricks all over the place. We got mike oh so good. I missed that girl.
Moving right along...
SO i kinda convinced/left no choice to aaron to watch my fish. I appreciate that greatly, although i still havent seen what condition they are in now that im home. Hope he had a great birthday.
Well over spring break i was sooooo trashed...okay not really, that was just to please all you haters on drunk stories...
Viva la mexico! You'll have to excuse my random espanol words when describing my trip. I just cant help it. Mexico was...hot!First on my to do list when i got there was call here to give numbers where i could be reached blah blah...Well the phones there are absolutely outrageous and imposible to use. The thing didnt even look like a phone. Picutre me all confused/angry with my phone card sitting on a street corner yelling ANDREW! yeah, it was traumatic. Anyways..got that all taken care of.
Met up with the other RP kids that went to cancun. It was nice to see all those kids...All the girls talking shit about eachother and the boys all trashed. Doesnt get much better. Good conversations were had with jim...which was kinda weird. Hope his birthday was good too.
Next day was one of my favotites spent in mexico...after much complications, somehow, someway i met craig,andrewjose and the boys in cozumel.Wow. Couldn't ask for much more than some of my favorite people to spend mexico with. That day was packed full of fun,memories and tequila. I swear mexico smells like tequila. And again, i hope Andrewjose had an awesome birthday.
I got a chance to re-read The Catcher In the Rye...mmmm...how i enjoy that book.
Well i dont know if your getting board of reading about mexcio, but im getting bored of writing about it.
In a nutshell...Mexico=goodness. (despite all the angry mexican stories i have)
Got home early yesterday morning. Woke up all sorts of sick, im convinced i have a rare tropical disease. I didnt even drink the water (side note, mexico water.. even bottled=yuck) Anyways, mike and levi stopped over in the prime of my sickness, sorry i wasnt too entertaining.
And today, it was back to the same old shit. People are stupid. I'm fed up with being lied to.
I think thats enough for now.
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[29 Mar 2003|11:59pm] |
Im in the best mood, what i perfect time to update.
I'm having a great weekend. It's awesome knowing that in 2 days i'll be in mexico. :) I need to find/sucker someone else into babysitting my fish while im gone. My fish just arent good enough for some people....They're well behaved, i swear!
Last night held alot of fun times. It was definantly one of those rainy evening hangout times. Mike and Nick are like the boy version of Janell and I. We all have alot of fun together.
Today i had to wake up all sorts of early. Emily needed a prom dress so we were going to go to GR. I HATE dress shopping. I hate how it makes me feel. It's impossible to feel any bit of positivity about yourself after trying on dresses. Emily found a great dress for her. She looks super. The alteration lady thought we were twins. COME ON! We look/sound/act nothing alike. We both have pink prom dresses now.
Prom Dress: check
Prom Date:...Not so much...
Tonight was girl's night. Honestly...I had no intentions of going. If it wasnt for janell pickin my ass up...I would have missed out on alot of good times. I forget how much i like being around those girls somtimes. We are going to rock mexico right off the map.
Lots to do tomorrow. I'd say im going to pack, but we all know thats not going to happen. I did get new luggage today. Anyways...
I hope everyone's weekend is going wonderfully
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[24 Mar 2003|10:36pm] |
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I dont want to feel like this anymore.
I live for intelligent conversation and thunderstorms. I've had some awesome discussions lately. AND it stormed tonight. I should be happy.
I saw some old friends down at the beach when i drove to watch the storm. Somehow, i knew they would be there. It was nice to see them...just to catch up a little. Even though we have nothing in common anymore, they will always have a place in my heart. That sounded like a greeting card.
This weekend was good for me. I needed some old school hanging out with janell. The boys were fun too.
If im not too wrapped up in mexico preperations this weekend, its definanlty time for a Road Trip. I miss my property and My dirtbike misses me.
I've been really anxious to go to church lately. I dont know why, ive just been itching to go, but i never wanted to go alone. Andrew said he'd go with me, but as far as church goes he intimidates me. He's so much...further along? than me. Anyways...Craig ended up being there too. It made it much more comfortable. I didnt agree with a lot of the things the pastor said. And thats okay, im wiling to give it another shot, but needless to say...i dont think i'll be going back to that church this weekend.
I have the creepiest message on my answering machine! It's from saturday night like 11pm. It's hard to make out..but i swear it says, Hey Ashley this is greg..somthing about being lonely and call me right away. The voice didnt sound familuar, i only know one greg and it wasnt him. It baffels me.
I'm nervous to give blood tomorrow.I've heard alot of unpleasant stories... But now that im 17 and a big girl, im not chickening out. And if you are giving blood from 10-12...Hi, My Name is Ashley and I'll be your juice girl!See you there.
"Please don't forget how small we really are, nothing will
really matter when we're gone"
It's my turn to break your heart. Your not allowed to leave this time.
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| Kinda Ironic... |
[19 Mar 2003|01:17am] |
"lets never talk about this again,
because i didn't want it to mean
this much to me"
you have a problem talking about something that
means a lot to you. but you wish it really
didnt.
you're the type of person who avoids
the things that shouldn't be avoided
What Taking Back Sunday quote are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
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[08 Mar 2003|08:35pm] |
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I'm miserable. Being sick is so lonely. My family won't even be around me unless to poke at me or feed me jello. I can't even sit up on my own half the time, so making it out of my room is a task on its own. I'm supposed to breathe through a towel when im outside my room. :( So much for working on my research paper.
i wish i had some ice cream, a good movie and someone to sit by my bed and hold my hand.
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